Newly Announced K-1B High-Tech Worker Visa Program

Someone had to take the initiative to launch an improved high-tech immigrant worker program. Accordingly, I took the liberty of creating a K-1B Visa (Kirt-1Blattenberger) for high technology workers. Congress has not officially written it into law, but American politicians and executives make no pretense of enforcing law they disagree with anymore, so it really does not matter. Here is how the K-1B Visa program works:

It is widely known that the United States now considers itself to be a country without a southern border (we still keep the dangerous Canadians to the north out, though). All anyone needs to do to become an accepted American citizen (the new definition, not the old) and enjoy all the freedoms guaranteed by our Constitution (well, except the parts not preferred by the aforementioned rulers) and receive all the social welfare benefits (health care, food, shelter, education, transportation, legal representation, the right to protest against and demand laws of your new government, etc.), is to stroll across the (imaginary) border between Mexico and the United States. Getting to the border is the hardest part, but once you get there, "Come on in!" If you want to abide by the old H-1B Visa system and wait in line like your forefathers did, taking years to obtain citizenship once here, paying thousands of dollars in fees, taking a citizenship test, and learning to speak English, well, maybe you are not intelligent enough to qualify as a high tech worker anyway.

Now, thanks to the K-1B Visa, those of you who have contacted me over the years asking advice on the best way to obtain a work visa for the U.S., I am happy to report this solution to your dilemma. Thanks to our recently adopted policy, your country of origin makes no difference since we know that even people from terrorist regions are crossing the border with the regularity of a roughage eater. Your criminal history is of no concern, either, because we know from a former Border Patrol chief that we are not too bothered by the fact that 1 in 5 crossers has a record. All that matters nowadays is that you want to come here - for whatever the reason. Top government officials from every persuasion declare that we do NOT have "a border problem." But, I digress.

An added bonus for K-1B Visa seekers is that in the last few months, many governments of South American countries - probably at U.S. taxpayer expense - have been enlisted to facilitate the transportation of their citizens (and foreigners who show up there) into the United States. If you like trains and buses, they've got a ride for you. I offer these insider tips to you:

• Before you cross the border...
  • Try to appear to be under the age of 18
  • Cover your gang tattoos until you are across the border
  • Do not even try to speak English
  • Claim you are fleeing political and/or militant violence
• After you cross the border...
  • Promise you will appear before an immigration judge (don't worry, you're not expected to show up)
  • Say you have family here already (they do NOT have to be here legally)
  • Do not even try to speak English
  • Once processed and released, demand all the aforementioned benefits of other non-working legal and illegal residents
  • Be sure to vote (illegally, but just a technicality) for the people you believe got you here

Where to live after you get here? I suggest you knock on the doors of the politicians and government executives that have paved the way for you. Most of them are extremely wealthy and have homes (usually more than one) with many unused bedrooms. If they turn you away, try getting a ride to Seattle to see if Bill Gates has a place for you, or maybe to Omaha to hole up in Warren Buffett's house (oh, just remembered his palatial mansion is located in Florida), and don't forget the Google twins or Mr. Facebook. All have welcomed the invasion (did I say 'invasion?' my bad) with open arms. If those people seem to already have all their spare rooms 'ocupado,' do not despair. A little more than half the U.S. population supports my K-1B Visa policy as evidenced by the last couple elections. Just start knocking on doors in any American neighborhood and chances are if the first person turns you away, the one next door will welcome you with open arms. There is no logical reason why that would not be so, right?

Ready to get going? OK, just fill out this form, print it out, and submit it to the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) folks at the border.

Posted July 21, 2014