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Someone had
to take the initiative to launch an improved high-tech immigrant worker program.
Accordingly, I took the liberty of creating a K-1B Visa
(Kirt-1Blattenberger)
for high technology workers. Congress has not officially written it into law, but
American politicians and executives make no pretense of enforcing law they disagree
with anymore, so it really does not matter. Here is how the K-1B Visa program works:
 It is widely known that the United States
now considers itself to be a country without a southern border (we still keep the
dangerous Canadians to the north out, though). All anyone needs to do to become
an accepted American citizen (the new definition, not the old) and enjoy all the
freedoms guaranteed by our Constitution (well, except the parts not preferred by
the aforementioned rulers) and receive all the social welfare benefits (health care,
food, shelter, education, transportation, legal representation, the right to protest
against and demand laws of your new government, etc.), is to stroll across the (imaginary)
border between Mexico and the United States. Getting to the border is the hardest
part, but once you get there, "Come on in!" If you want to abide by the old H-1B
Visa system and wait in line like your forefathers did, taking years to obtain citizenship
once here, paying thousands of dollars in fees, taking a citizenship test, and learning
to speak English, well, maybe you are not intelligent enough to qualify as a high
tech worker anyway.
Now, thanks to the K-1B Visa, those of you who have contacted me over the years
asking advice on the best way to obtain a work visa for the U.S., I am happy to
report this solution to your dilemma. Thanks to our recently adopted policy, your
country of origin makes no difference since we know that even people from terrorist
regions are crossing the border with the regularity of a roughage eater. Your criminal
history is of no concern, either, because we know from a former Border Patrol chief
that we are not too bothered by the fact that 1 in 5 crossers has a record. All
that matters nowadays is that you want to come here - for whatever the reason. Top
government officials from every persuasion declare that we do NOT have
"a border problem." But, I digress.
An added bonus for K-1B Visa seekers is that in the last few months, many governments
of South American countries - probably at U.S. taxpayer expense - have been enlisted
to facilitate the transportation of their citizens (and foreigners who show up there)
into the United States. If you like trains and buses, they've got a ride for you.
I offer these insider tips to you:
- Before you cross the border...
- Try to appear to be under the age of 18
- Cover your gang tattoos until you are across the border
- Do not even try to speak English
- Claim you are fleeing political and/or militant violence
- After you cross the border...
- Promise you will appear before an immigration judge
(don't worry, you're not expected to show up)
- Say you have family here already (they do NOT have to be here legally)
- Do not even try to speak English
- Once processed and released, demand all the aforementioned benefits of other
non-working legal and illegal residents
- Be sure to vote (illegally, but just a technicality) for the people you believe
got you here
Where to live after you get here? I suggest you knock on the doors of the politicians
and government executives that have paved the way for you. Most of them are extremely
wealthy and have homes (usually more than one) with many unused bedrooms. If they
turn you away, try getting a ride to Seattle to see if Bill Gates has a place for
you, or maybe to Omaha to hole up in Warren Buffett's house (oh, just remembered
his palatial mansion is located in Florida), and don't forget the Google twins or
Mr. Facebook. All have welcomed the invasion (did I say 'invasion?' my bad) with
open arms. If those people seem to already have all their spare rooms 'ocupado,'
do not despair. A little more than half the U.S. population supports my K-1B Visa
policy as evidenced by the last couple elections. Just start knocking on doors in
any American neighborhood and chances are if the first person turns you away, the
one next door will welcome you with open arms. There is no logical reason why that
would not be so, right?
Ready to get going? OK, just fill out this form, print it out, and submit it
to the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) folks at the border.
Posted July 21, 2014
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