Funnies from The Good Life: December 2014 & January 2015

The Good Life is a free publication printed in northern Michigan. Along with advertisements and stories from local interests, every edition is chock full of humorous quips and jokes. These (mostly) tech-related items are from the December 2014 and January 2015 editions.

New Dog Breeds

• Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up easy for transporting
• Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
• Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
• Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
• Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Picasso, an abstract dog
• Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
• Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
• Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
• Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, not a popular dog with CIA agents
• Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
• Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
• Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
• Bulldog + Shih tzu = Bullshihtz, a dog you can never believe what he tries to tell you (I thought of this one)

Online Privacy

I'll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I'm eating on Instagram.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so ...they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because ...it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that ...was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but ...I just couldn't cut it. Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just ...didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I... couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found ...I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I...didn't have any patients. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I ...just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I ...couldn't live on my net income. Thought about becoming a witch, so I ...tried that for a spell. I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was ...just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I ...wasn't up to it. So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I ...wasn't fit for the job. Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I ...was discharged. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was ...no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it ...was always the same old grind.

Law of Nature

Nature abhors a vacuum. But not as much as dogs do.

Performance Review Terms

• Average: Not too bright.
• Exceptionally Well Qualified: Made no major blunders - yet.
• Active Socially: Drinks a lot.
• Family Is Active Socially: Spouse drinks, too.
• Character Above Reproach: Still one step ahead of the cops.
• Zealous Attitude: Opinionated.
• Quick Thinking: Offers plausible excuses for mistakes.
• Careful Thinker: Won't make a decision.
• Takes Pride in Work: Conceited.
• Plans for Advancement: Buys drinks for all the boys in the office at happy hour.
• Forceful: Argumentative.
• Aggressive: Obnoxious.
• Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs: Gets someone else to do it.
• Keen Analyst: Thoroughly confused.

Automotive Engineers

"Okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"

What a Puttz

Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"

His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, "I can make this putt." His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too.

Mental Aptitude Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?" "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's

bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Job Interview

I went for a job interview. The guy asked, "Where do you see yourself in ten years time?" "Same as now - in photos and mirrors," I replied.

Business Signs

• On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
• On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff"
• Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people"
• Music Store: "Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30 - Offenbach sooner"
• On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin"
• Music Library: "Bach in a min-u-et"
• Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels"
• Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you"
• Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak"
• Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
• Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte"
• Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here

Posted  February 10, 2015