Funny T-Shirt Sayings

Here are the Best T-shirts, which ran recently in the Washington Post:

• God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends.
• My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips.
• Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount.
• (Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If You Can Read This, My wife Fell Off.
• I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now.
• Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping
• What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?
• Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich.
• Liberal Arts Major... Will Think for Food.
• Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen.
• Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
• If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen.
• First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed.
• In Dog Years, I'm Dead.
• Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener.
• If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You.
• The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard.
• Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade.
• I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes.
• Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well.
• A Day Without Sunshine is Like Night.
• First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.
• Old Age Comes at a Bad Time.
• In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take.
• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
• BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
• So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
• The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
• I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
• Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• Hang up and drive.
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
• Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
• God is my copilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
• I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
• Keep honking while I reload.
• Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
• Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?
• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
• 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
• EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
• If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
• If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
• Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
• Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
• Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
• My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that .
• Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
• Stop repeat offenders. Don't reelect them!
• Your village called, their idiot's missing!  (thanks to Martin L. for adding that)