Take a break from the
drudgery with some of these jokes, song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor that has been collected from friends & from websites across
the Internet. This humor is light-hearted and sometimes slightly offensive to the easily-offended, so you are forewarned. I have taken care
to censor "humor" with reproductive function innuendo and hateful tirades, so it is all workplace-safe. I have also tried to warn
of any links that will result in audio clips so you can take appropriate precautions. Please send any potential candidates for this humor page
to the e-mail link above.
Humor #1 | Humor #2 | Humor #3
A magazine recently ran a Dilbert™
quotes contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.
Here are some good Dilbert resources.
Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's
training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach"
used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into
the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When
I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he
showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, and the word pedagogical circled in red. The HR
manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition
to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff
came out - directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in
company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by
pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
One day my
Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow
would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New
business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform
you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Lone Lines Division)
My sister passed away and her
funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the
busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for
me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing
executive, Citrix Corporation)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the
schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act
busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and
"This project is so important, we can't let things that
are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"What I need is a list of specific
unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
"As of tomorrow,
employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next
Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at
Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Washington.)
Submitted by Shawn Rung.
How long is this Beta guy going to keep
testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed
corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was
write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
This gem is the closing paragraph of a
nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "Lucent Technologies is endeavorily determined to
promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to
better, if not supercede, the expectations of quality."
Know any more Dilbert-Type Manager Stories? Please send them to me.
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