Funnies from The Good Life: August 2014

These engineering and science tech-centric jokes, song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor have been collected from friends and websites across the Internet. I check back occasionally for new fodder, but it seems all the old content is reappearing all over (like this is). The humor is light-hearted and clean and sometimes slightly assaultive to the easily-offended, so you are forewarned. It is all workplace-safe.

Humor #1, #2, #3

The Good Life is a free publication printed in northern Michigan. Along with advertisements and stories from local interests, every edition is chock full of humorous quips and jokes. These (mostly) tech-related items are from the August 2014 edition.

A student at our high school a few years back, having had his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his teacher, "I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!"

When I punish my 16-year-old, I don't take away her phone. I take away her charger and then I watch the fear in her eyes as her battery dies. It's fun.

A man by the name of Tates designed the very first compass for large-scale production and sale in the United States. It was a very significant achievement, but alas, it proved not to be too reliable and many people who relied on it became hopelessly lost. It did however, cause a saying which is very much in use today to be developed... He who has a Tates* is lost.

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks.

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 99% of America wouldn't notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones, and only one person has noticed mine is actually a calculator.

The above item was originally titled "Computers and Women," but you weren't offended and thought it was funny because I changed it to be about men. Chances are, if I had left it as found, you would have cringed or even have been outraged that I would dare post such a thing. It is just fine in today's world to make fun of men (and admit it, you subconsciously assume a White guy), but don't dare poke fun at women or minorities. That would make you a 'hater' and deserving of sensitivity training. Personally, I can take a joke and good humor at my expense. If you can't, then there is a good chance you're a moron and need 'get over yourself' training. - Kirt B.

My friend's husband always teases her about her lack of interest in household chores. One day he came home with a gag gift, a refrigerator magnet that read: "Martha Stewart doesn't live here." The next day he came home to find the magnet holding up a slip of paper. The note read, "Neither does Bob Vila."

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

It's not that people use only 10% of their brains, it's that only 10% of people use their brains.

My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had. Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"