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Rules of Thumb for the Military |
 These engineering and science tech-centric
jokes, song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor have been collected from friends
and websites across the Internet. I check back occasionally for new fodder, but
it seems all the old content is reappearing all over (like this is). The humor is
light-hearted and clean and sometimes slightly assaultive to the easily-offended,
so you are forewarned. It is all workplace-safe.
Humor #1,
#2, #3
These rules of thumb are followed by those who survive the military and go on to other vocations. Send me an
e-mail
if you have other good ones to add.
- "Anything you do can get you killed, including doing nothing." Murphy
- "If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid." Murphy
- "If you are in advanced position, artillery will fall short." Murphy
- "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Army Rocket Launcher
- "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S.M.C. Training Bulletin
- "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -
U.S.A.F. Literature.
- "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantryman's Journal
- "A slipping trigger gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make
you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's Magazine of Preventive Maintenance
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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
- "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantryman's Journal
- "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance Manual
- "Five-second fuses! only last three seconds." - Infantryman's Journal
- "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
- "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantryman's Journal
- "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- "Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anon Naval brass
- "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
- "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
- "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
- "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." - Jacques Chirac, President of France. "As far as
France is concerned, you're right." - Rush Limbaugh
- "When a crash seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity, as slowly
and gently as possible." - Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II
- "A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping." Anon
- "The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire." Anon
...thanks to Steve for this one
...and to Mauriac Z. for the latest two additions
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