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Rules of Thumb for the Military

Take a break from the drudgery with some of these jokes, song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor that has been collected from friends & from websites across the Internet. This humor is light-hearted and sometimes slightly offensive to the easily-offended, so you are forewarned. I have taken care to censor "humor" with overt sexual overtones (or undertones) and hateful tirades, so it is all workplace-safe. I have also tried to warn of any links that will result in audio clips so you can take appropriate precautions. Please send any potential candidates for this humor page to the e-mail link above.

Humor #1 | Humor #2 | Humor #3



These rules of thumb are followed by those who survive the military and go on to other vocations. Send me an e-mail if you have other good ones to add.
  • "Anything you do can get you killed, including doing nothing." Murphy
  • "If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid." Murphy
  • "If you are in advanced position, artillery will fall short." Murphy
  • "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Army Rocket Launcher
  • "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S.M.C. Training Bulletin
  • "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Literature.
  • "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantryman's Journal
  • "A slipping trigger gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's Magazine of Preventive Maintenance
  • "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
  • "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantryman's Journal
  • "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance Manual
  • "Five-second fuses! only last three seconds." - Infantryman's Journal
  • "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
  • "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantryman's Journal
  • "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
  • "Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anon Naval brass
  • "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
  • "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
  • "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
  • "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." - Jacques Chirac, President of France. "As far as France is concerned, you're right." - Rush Limbaugh
  • "When a crash seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity, as slowly and gently as possible." - Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II
  • "A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping." Anon
  • "The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire." Anon



...thanks to Steve for this one
   ...and to Mauriac Z. for the latest two additions
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