Jokes & Puns Only Smart People Will "Get"

Some of these juxtapose a riddle and a joke to form a clever quip.

• It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
• A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says "Make me one with everything."
• C, E Flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
• There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
• They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
• Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he wants a drink. "I think not," Descartes says. And then he disappears.
• What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
• A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
• What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
• Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." He doesn't react.
• Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side.
• Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting "Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dog!"
• There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.
• A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies "No I'm traveling light."
• "Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?"
• What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? Beer.
• Did you hear the about the man who cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
• People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine...
• How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
• The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
• Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
• What is a physicist's favorite food? Fission chips.
• They have just found the gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes.
• What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
• There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets...

• Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
• Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.
• Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first? The one with the lowest mew.
• Knock Knock. Who's there? To. To who? No, to whom.
• A Biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right, the statistician yells "We got 'em!"

Most retrieved from the Distractify website.