"12 Days of Christmas" Memo
Take a break from the
drudgery with some of these jokes, song parodies, anecdotes and assorted humor that has been collected from friends & from websites across
the Internet. This humor is light-hearted and sometimes slightly offensive to the easily-offended, so you are forewarned. I have taken care
to censor "humor" with reproductive function innuendo and hateful tirades, so it is all workplace-safe. I have also tried to warn
of any links that will result in audio clips so you can take appropriate precautions. Please send any potential candidates for this humor page
to the e-mail link above.
Humor #1 | Humor #2 | Humor #3
To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas"
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement
package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring
decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home
Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not
sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible
through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and
Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen
airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).
We're pleased to inform
you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose gets red, not from the
cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the
load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's elves and was taken out of context at a time of the year
when they are known to be under 'excessive stress'.
As for further restructuring, today's global challenges
require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the
following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be
replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance
during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An
analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one
commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious
metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;
6) The six
geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production
rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let
go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose
it gets will be a good one;
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative.
Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the
EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job
with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these
individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel,
prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While
leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed
congressmen this year;
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A
substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop
right to the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals
and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is
inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession
("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain
competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if
seven dwarfs is the right number.
Merry Christmas to All, and to All a Good Night!!!
... from the Good Jokes website